if things had gone on that way,

this place would have got the best of him.
- Red

I.
A coworker who used to be a friend was walking with me on during our lunch hour. Tears were breaking her voice as she told me that the job was killing her soul. I was dumbfounded, just amazed to hear my own thoughts coming out of someone else's mouth. We wondered about just quitting, just going after something better, something that we were meant to do. That thing is different for each of us, and I couldn't elaborate on my dream much at that time. It was only an hour lunch break, after all.

So I empathized, I promptly bought her Douglas Coupland's Generation X (she wasn't as jazzed about it as I always am. I buy this book for people from time to time). After that, we went back to surviving: breaking the monotony by exchanging Weight Watchers recipes and interesting links. Then we got into a huge fight, and now we no longer talk.

II.
At some point, I realized the effect my depression was having on my kids. When the commercial comes on -- "Who does depression hurt?" ... -- I love to shout out the answers happily - "Everyone!" -- and we all laugh, but we also secretly know that I really am that gray, greasy-haired woman with the blank stare who forgot she was stirring something at the stove.

Though I really have taken action over the last 6 years to stay afloat: started a drama team, taken alternative treatment (minocycline) for my RA, biked enough to struggle through a metric century (62 mi) bike ride, dieted, etc. -- it's not been consistent, or enough. This past year, I find I'm sinking more than floating.

I can't leave my job abruptly. I have chronic health issues. The new medicine I'm on costs thousands per month. I also have two kids to provide for. And the economy, and mortgages, and 401k's, and blah blah blah.

And so I think:
What if I take small, but intentional and consistent steps toward something new?
And so I am.